Diary of a Walrus - 'The Bulge and the Beautiful!' (Week 10)

I've been having some seriously wierd dreams! Apparently it's OK. It's quite normal and down to a number of things such as general anxieties about pregnancy, raging hormones and the fact that you are not getting any proper sleep on account of getting up every couple of hours to go to the loo! Anyway, I read that you should write a kind of dream diary and scribble down your dreams as soon as you wake up in the morning while you still remember them. That way,you can make sense of them in your waking hours....or that's the theory! OK, make sense of this!...The other night I dreamt that there were all these worms on the floor that flicked themselves up and stuck on to you like leeches and you had to pull them off. Yuck! Another one I had, I can't really remember but it had Dawn French in it! What the hell is that trying to tell me?...That my body is being taken over by parasites and I am going to be hugely obese in the near future???!!! Aha! That was quite easy after all - and to think that people pay loads of money in therapy to work that out!!!

Somehow, I think that if I made a dream diary aswell as this one the men in white coats would be coming to take me away! It would give a whole new meaning to that old Victorian term for pregnancy; 'confinement!'

I don't want to remember my mad dreams,they just make me feel even more mental than I do already!

Another thing that has recently been sent to try my sanity...finding swimwear for my holiday. AARGH! What a complete nightmare!

Picture the scene (if you dare!)Hot and bothered in a clammy changing room with horrid florescent lighting and an unforgiving mirror. You know, those ones that look as though they've borrowed them from the funhouse when the circus came to town! Anyway, after all my huffing and puffing and nearly falling out through the curtain with all my exertions I think that the final straw came when I heard some...some...well, bitch (there, I said it!)a couple of cubicles down whining that something was too 'baggy' and 'did they do a smaller size???!!!'

That was it! I gathered up all the discarded cossies with as much dignity as I could possibly muster and left the whole bundle with the attendant with a shrill 'Don't ask!'

Absolute torture! Right, I am doing leg raises, body brushing and fake tan everyday for the next two weeks before I attempt that ordeal again!

Diary of a Walrus - 'Oh the Glamour...!' (Week 9)

If ‘Happy Days’ was playing now I would be dragging the needle across the record to an abrupt end (you just don’t get the same dramatic effect pressing stop on a CD player!).

Back to the same old same old….Nausea, check. Tiredness, check. Indigestion, check. Constipation, DOUBLE CHECK!!!! AAAARGH! Not only that but now I’ve got spots aswell!

Oh the glamour! I look like I’ve fallen asleep somewhere and some smartarse has decided that it would be funny to draw a dot-to-dot on my face! Fantastic. Now I look as awful as I feel! Roll on second trimester where I will miraculously be transformed from a grouchy, snarling, spotty blob to a blooming radiant flower, all serenity and comfy shoes!

I have had my first antenatal check which I was initially excited about as I thought that it may actually make feel pregnant instead of just, well, pants! However, even that was quite an anticlimax! We just went through all the paperwork and stuff to get me into the system and I had to recount my first two pregnancies including details of the labour. (That word has to be whispered at the moment!!!) I don’t know what I was expecting really, it was almost as if I wanted them to ‘confirm’ my pregnancy not just take my word for it!! I mean, I could be lying! I’m not...But I could be!

Oh well, I’ve got to ring the hospital next week to arrange my first scan appointment. Now that is exciting! If a bit scary! As well as the dating bit which basically tells you whether or not your dates are right and the bit where you actually get to see that something is really and truly there; they also measure the fluid in the back of the Baby’s neck which, when put against your blood test results and a bit of mathematical wizardry they can tell you your chances of having a healthy baby. Fingers crossed everything will be fine and I’ll have a little picture of our little peapod (this weeks roughage reference!).

At least then we’ll have something that we can show the kids that they can actually see and perhaps understand a little more about what is happening and, perhaps (I hope) be a bit more forgiving of my lethargy and forgetfulness! I feel so guilty that they are taking a back seat against everything at the moment. For example, the other day I had a complete epiphany, ‘Just because I’m not hungry, doesn’t mean to say that my children aren’t hungry. They may need feeding!....’ That’s just a thought that no half-decent Mummy should ever have to think!!!!

All I want is some peace and quiet and a poo! Is that really too much to ask?.....

Diary of a Walrus - '..And the Angels wept....' (Week 8)

OK, so I told a few more people! Well, I didn’t really have much of a choice – I was going camping for the weekend with a whole group of people so if I didn’t want them to think that I was a boring unsociable cow with narcolepsy issues then I had to come clean!!! Plus the fact that I wasn’t drinking of course which for everyone who knows me is a hugely suspicious occurrence!

Apparently, ‘Baby Blueberry’ is no longer an ‘embryo’ but now officially a ‘foetus’ (meaning offspring.) Not only that but my book just told me to hold a raspberry between my fingers and look at it because that is now the size of it!...EEK! I’ve just eaten raspberries on my cereal!!!

This book also says that, ‘my waistband may be expanding now.’ What do you mean ‘now?’ What about three weeks ago??? It says that I may have to think about packing away my favourite jeans until next year…I don’t think that my favourite jeans ever managed to resurface after the last pregnancy! Oh well, can’t be helped…well, nothing a few prunes wouldn’t sort out anyway! I am so fed with making the seemingly hourly pilgrimage to the loo and for what? NOTHING! All that hard work and…NOTHING! However, I did have that ‘Eureka!’ moment this weekend and although I’m sure you don’t want to hear about it, I’m going to tell you anyway because it just made me so darned proud!!!

I miserably shuffled over to the loos at the campsite and suddenly, the heavens parted and a column of sunlight shrouded the toilet block in a golden glow. Choirs sang and the angels wept (I nearly did too!)

HALLELUJAH!

I practically skipped back to the tent feeling for once more like a gazelle than a hippo!

Oh, happy days!

Diary of a Walrus - 'Food Glorious Food...not!' (Week 7)

Well, apparently my lentil has doubled in size since last week and is now the size of a blueberry according to one book, or a coffee bean according to another. I guess I’ll go with the fruit option as coffee is a big no-no at the moment!

Remember my rekindled love of ‘Sandwich Spread?’ Hmm, well now I can hardly bring myself to even write about the stuff! BLEURGH! Consequently, I have a huge jar of the bloody stuff sat in the fridge which makes me grimace every time I go in there!

I seem to be having a bit of a problem with food in general at the moment! I feel really sick practically all the time and I eat purely to stop myself feeling sick. Yep, you heard it right folks..I’m eating as a necessity and not for sheer gluttonous pleasure as usual!!

Unfortunately after I have eaten something, no matter how small, I end up either getting indigestion or feeling like I’ve gorged myself on a 10 course banquet! Normally both!

I just don’t know what I fancy eating anymore. I’m definitely getting my old pregnancy prejudice against the old courgette and anything else remotely slimy such as peppers and mushrooms. This could cause a problem as these tend to feature in about 80% of my cooking!

I’ll tell you what though, I think I could just about manage a ‘Magnum’ whilst pondering the question of exactly what it is I fancy!!!!

I finally told Mum and Dad!!! Hurrah! I think that they were pleased if not somewhat bewildered by our madness!!! What a relief! In fact, this verbal release must be infectious as I even found myself telling the lady at the checkout in ASDA! Have no idea where it came from, I just blurted it out!! I think that I felt the need to justify myself wittering on about trying to find a pasturised Brie as if it were some kind of Holy Grail!

Well, I am pregnant you see!!!!!!

Oh well, she smiled kindly and helped me pack my shopping, if somewhat sympathetically!

So how many people have I told now? Family, close friends, yoga teacher, neighbour (well she is a midwife so it doesn’t count!) doctor, random woman at ASDA….Yep! I think that’s all!!

I can’t wait til I get to tell the kids, it’s so frustrating not to be able to say anything to them and share my excitement but I just have to wait a little bit longer. I couldn’t bear having to tell them that the baby wasn’t there anymore and having to explain everything.

Hang on in there Baby Blueberry!

Diary of a Walrus - 'Dazed and Confused!' (Week 6)

This week I am running completely on autopilot! I have no idea what time it is let alone what day it is! From the moment I get up in the morning I’m looking forward to the time that I can go back to bed! What I do seem to be VERY aware of however, is the nausea, the bloating, the burping, the indigestion and the um…er…whatjacallit…Oh Yes! Forgetfulness!

As well as sleep, all I seem to want to do is eat! Mainly steak, asparagus and jacket potatoes! I suppose it must be the iron in the meat and the folic acid in the asparagus that I am craving – what a clever body I have! Hmm, what about the huge glob of butter on the spud and the apple pie and cream for pudding…..Moving on……..! I somehow knew that my new health kick would be somewhat short-lived!

‘Pip’ has now turned into a lentil!!! Not just any lentil don’t you know, but one with little paddles for hands and feet, holes where the ears will be and dark spots for the eyes! His (her?) heart is already beating twice as fast as mine and he’s already practising his star jumps!

I find it increasingly hard to believe that some women don’t even know that they’re pregnant at this stage. Sometimes I feel like I’d do anything to feel ‘normal’ even just for a day but then, I suppose if I did, I would only worry that something was wrong! At least I know that if I’m feeling lousy it means that everything is going well!

I mean, think about it.. I’m apparently creating a whole life support system this week – no wonder I’m so bloody knackered!

Diary of a Walrus - 'Ut Oh!' (Week 5)

Ut Oh! The brain cells are disintegrating already! I keep finding myself going upstairs only to get to the top and wonder why the hell I am there! I then have to go back down again because I can’t remember why I went up in the first place and then of course I remember as soon as I get to the bottom and consequently have to traipse back up again!

Perhaps it’s some kind of in-built pregnancy fitness regime?!

Talking about being forgetful (was I??!!) This morning I nearly fed the fish my folic acid and gave myself the fish food! Not so great for my pregnancy I’ll bet but look at how shiny my scales are!!!!

Sorry. I’m losing it already! Forgive the random mutterings of pregnancy (normally punctuated with a burp or other such windy offerings!)

I’ve been brushing up on all my old pregnancy books and had forgotten about their endless references to various seeds, fruits and vegetables explaining the different growth stages! At the moment, the Baby, embryo thingymajig, whatever! Is the size of an apple pip and already has a heart beating away which is the size of a poppy seed!

Hang on in there Pip! You’ve got a whole fruit salad to get through before you become a melon!!!

Speaking of growth, my waistband is threatening to dissect me already! Surely that can’t be right? It’s just not practical for me to start wearing my Jim Jams from here on in! Maybe, it’s because it’s my third pregnancy? (Even saying that it doesn’t seem real!) Don’t they say that your body remembers and the muscles relax as if knowing what they’ve got in store? Well, let’s just say my body has an extremely good memory because all my stomach muscles are waving a white flag already!

‘May as well let go chaps! We’re fooling no-none!’

At least I seem to be on a bit of a health kick at the moment, I’ve been eating so much veg. I’ve also found myself stocking up on stuff like gherkins, beetroot and olives. Also, ‘Sandwich Spread’ – what is the deal?! I haven’t touched the stuff in about 20 years and now that I’m feeling queasy practically 24/7 it does seem more than a little ironic that I want to eat something that quite frankly looks like vomit!!! Bleurgh! Shouldn’t have written that! Even looking at the word makes my stomach turn!

Anyway, I suppose it’s better than all the sweet stuff I craved with my daughter. I even managed to walk down the frozen aisle in the supermarket without so much as a thought for ‘Ben’ or his friend ‘Jerry!’ (well, maybe just a small fleeting one!)

My newfound cravings may not turn me into the most let’s say, ‘fragrant’ of bed partners but at least it’s helping to stave off the inevitable descent into life as a Walrus!

Finally, I’ve noticed a sudden flurry of scrubbing worktops which makes me recall my love affair with the smell of Flash Powerspray in my first pregnancy! I was explaining to my daughter about how important it is to keep things clean and to put things back properly so you know where things are when you need them again to which she replied, “So why is it that when you tidy up, I can’t find anything?!!!”Hmmm. Smartarse! She got me there! My hormone-addled brain is already being defeated by a 5 year old!

This is going to be a loooooong pregnancy!

Diary of a Walrus - Excuse me...what?!?!

Goodness Me!

So here I am again, pregnant! YES! PREGNANT!

AAAAAARGH!

I know that we’ve been trying (very hard!!) and that we decided on New Year’s Eve that we did want another baby to complete our family but after each month realising that it hadn’t happened and wasting God knows how much money on pregnancy tests ‘just to make sure!’ I still can’t believe it’s true!!!

I just can’t believe we’ve been so lucky again!

I’ve been daydreaming about being pregnant, what I’d do, how I’d feel etc. so much that I still feel like I’m only pregnant ‘hypothetically!’

I must have checked the test strip about 40 times! I went for the all-singing, all-dancing test this time! No ambiguous faint line for me (is it really there or can I just see it because I want to?!) This one wasn’t messing around….it simply said, PREGNANT.

I’m sorry but you just can’t question that!

Or could I? Even now I’m still trying to quash the urge to go out and buy another test even though I’m now nearly a week past my period date and having to eat a ginger biscuit before I get out of bed to stop the wave of nausea that smacks me every morning! (Well that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!)

The morning I found out I went to Yoga but didn’t have a particularly successful class – while everyone was either relaxing or concentrating on some increasingly impossible contortion all I was doing was chanting ‘I’m pregnant! I’m pregnant!.....’ in my head – ’Jehovah’ style from the ‘Life of Brian!’

I was determined this time to tell Clayton in a cool way! The first time I just blurted it out in the pub! The second time, Clayton was working away and I couldn’t wait for him to get home so I told him over the phone! This time. This third and final time I was going to do it right!

I bought a ‘Congratulations!’ helium balloon and packed it in a box with my test strip tied to the end of the string. When he opened the box the balloon floated up and…..SUPRISE!

Surprise, confusion, utter bewilderment (perhaps with a hint of terror!)…..goofy grin! Phew!

Now he’s calling me about 4 times a day singing ‘we’re having a baby, we’re having a baby!...’Hmm, hope that doesn’t last for the next nine months!

I’m going to try to wait a little longer this time round to tell everyone. That is, if I don’t self-implode with excitement before then! I’m a bit older now and I can’t believe our luck at falling pregnant again so easily. I don’t want to take any chances or count any chickens! (or eggs!!!!)